Dealing with Relationship Dilemmas

‘Why is that only girls are expected to change?’
‘Did I take the right decision?’

Have you heard all these statements from your friend in an interfaith relationship, or been through similar horn of dilemma post marriage?

To cut the long story short, the bitter reality is that real marriage begins post honeymoon. Girls spend months planning to be the Queen for a day in their neatly picked designer dresses, but scarcely do we care to spend time in preparing ourselves for the transformation that isn’t limited to change in surname or domicile but to being a part of an already complete family. Here’s a quick check-list to face post-marriage adjustment stress.

Respect Before Love
—

In hindsight it’s not love or arranged it’s always an arranged love that makes a marriage. Respect your decision to marry the person you have chosen. When you respect the person you respect everything associated with that person right from his tradition, values to lifestyle and food habits.

‘Adapting in a family, post marriage, especially one with a different belief system requires respect and endurance. You need to be able to empathize, unconditionally accept and flexibly adapt to the new way of life. Over the time, such unbiased patience will instill liking and love for your new found family.” says, Sushma Jain, Senior Psychologist based in Ahmedabad.

Unflappable Patience
—

Remember change is not an overnight process. Just like you, your partner and family too are going through the adjustment stress. You might feel things are not working and the efforts you are putting are being neglected but that’s just a temporary phase. You need to be very cautious that you remain calm and persistently patient.

The problem is not that of religion or cultural background the problem is in perception.

You can’t expect someone to adjust  forging their 50 year old ideology when you are not willing to leave your lifestyle pattern of 26 years.

I don’t understand when a girl very comfortably adjusts for her parents then while adjusting after marriage why does it become an adjustment for the “in-laws” they should be considered as parents not “in-laws” just as a father hands over a piece of heart, a mother too hands over her most loved part to someone else.’ says Komal Soni CEO, Raghuleela.

Acceptance
—

In any marriage the initial tussle is that of acceptance. However, in an interfaith marriage the struggle gets even more challenging. So instead of waiting to be accepted why not be matured enough to accept whole-heartedly?

Make the first move to be the part of the family your loved one has been associated with throughout his life. This will not just help you have a cordial relationship with your in-laws but will make you rule the throne of your better half’s heart as well.

Endurance
—

We must not lose our temper or waste our energy in trying to change things that aren’t under our control.

To admire and enjoy the beauty of the painting we stand at a proper distance because if we stand too near we won’t be able to look at the entire picture as our attention would be distracted by the minute details and friction in them.

Similarly in relationship this distance is avoiding the minor personality flaws and small changes in lifestyle. The key is to consider the negatives small and positive big.

Adapt, Don’t Adjust
—

In Indian society, girls are usually raised by instilling the philosophy that they should learn to adjust, making, ‘adjust’ a negative word. Let us adapt not adjust. When you adjust you compromise but when you adapt, you accept the change. This won’t just help you adjust but be a part of the system.

‘Adjustment is a heavy word, let’s say we all need to adapt. Your first fight is with yourself to allow change. Understand that you can still speak your language, eat your cuisine and be the way you are , but there will always be a certain expectation for you to also accept your new home and culture – sooner the better is the mantra.’ says Anuradha Jajal